Why wristwatches are more romantic than men

Last summer, I took a Communications class and a Sociology class. (I wanted to learn about people, and fulfilling elective requirements for my degree program was the perfect excuse.) These are a few recurring thoughts that have continued to cycle through my brain since then; just like coffee that continues to percolate, my opinions tend to get stronger over time. Better, or just more bitter, depending on who you ask.

The best way to tell if an insect is dead: not to poke it with a stick and see if it moves.

Averting conflicts destroys relationships much more often than does engaging in conflicts. (By “conflicts,” I do not mean abuse or violence; I am here referring to the little or big arguments that constitute the daily back-and-forth of any relationship or friendship, romantic or otherwise.) Conflicts are essential to any relationship. We are always taught to avoid conflict and keep the peace; but really, just like with a dying bee, a dying relationship’s tell is silence - when both parties are checking out, when they start avoiding each other, and when they eventually stop talking. The relationship doesn’t end until the talking does. That is what communication is all about.

Make love and war.

Agreement is not necessarily a good thing. We have a cultural belief in the universal positivity of agreement, and the universal negativity of disagreement. We desire to smooth out all bumps in the road, so that it is easier and quicker to travel on. The American economy caters to the demand for cheap, common goods; in many of our relationships, we seek instant happiness. In contrast, an eastern proverb says, “A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.” No truly worthwhile relationship is easily or quickly obtained; it requires much polishing, much friction – this is conflict. Our idea of perfection is peace - which is by definition the absence of all disturbances within a state, rather than the resolution of all disturbances; this is flawed, and not at all a productive way to view relationships.

The disappointments of instant coffee

People of our culture have a disposition toward… *ahem…* instant intimacy… and many of us find ourselves guilty of getting involved in a relationship to achieve instant happiness. In my experience, this never turns out well; Rome was not built in a day, and neither was a solid relationship. Just like instant coffee, instant gratification is never as good as the non-instant version.

The band-aid effect.

To give an example: in Annie Hall, which we watched in Communications class, Annie and Alvie applied the band-aid effect to all of their problems, by ending the arguments mainly through instant intimacy. They never addressed the underlying conflicts of values; they simply covered up the wounds instead of healing them.

Why wristwatches are more romantic than men

We no longer value craftsmanship - neither in relationships, nor in wristwatches. Once, I bought a watch with a lifetime guarantee; I had so much faith in it that when it stopped, I panicked, thinking that either time had stopped (thus causing my watch to pause), or that I had died (since it was guaranteed for life). Love still lasts til the end of time, because the average marriage lasts only slightly longer than the average wristwatch.

As a child, I thought watches to be rather romantic things. I considered that lifetime-guarantee watches must be frighteningly clever – because I thought that meant that they lasted for ONLY the lifetime of the owner, and no longer. I wondered how the watch could tell when its owner died, and I thought it a beautiful and noble thing for the watch to voluntarily expire simultaneously with its master. To me, it was a grave responsibility and commitment to purchase such a watch; marriage used to be a similarly grave affair.

Concerning love and the economy

Consumers expect goods to be cheap and expendable; anything else is considered a luxury rather than a necessity. Relationships suffer from this effect as well; anything true and lasting is considered unusual. But love, though priceless and the greatest treasure on earth, is not a luxury – it is not too great a thing to hope for, nor too legendary a thing to wait for. And once you have it, it is something to fight for. It is worth the unpleasantness that comes with a functional relationship – namely, arguments. An eastern proverb says, “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.” Yes, arguments are unpleasant; but, in application, better a lasting relationship which at its core is priceless and beautiful, even if some displeasing things occur on the surface.

A summary…

If you only take away one thing from all this, I think that the most important thing to be aware of as we pursue relationships which we hope will last a lifetime, is this: a real relationship requires conflict, and resolutions that treat the causes, not the symptoms, of the problem. I think that this applies to solving any kind of problem (not just problems of intimate relationships). Communication that gets to the root of the problem is essential; treating the symptoms is not enough.

An endnote concerning attractive Frenchmen

In our culture, our relationships often suffer from the American values of “quick and easy.” Time has become a commodity more valuable to us than nearly anything else, and yet we still do not spend it wisely. We make instant coffee when we could make real coffee. I for one enjoy espresso – I like my coffee strong, and my romances stronger.

When my parents visited France, they told me about how Europeans often drink their coffee sitting at a café (not running through the streets after a subway!). I think that this would make us so much happier than the common American habit of picking up coffee on the way to work at a drive-thru and then spilling it on ourselves. Especially espresso is better when sipped, not spilt and wasted on the lap of the person sitting next to you on the train. Love, like coffee, requires attention and careful reverence. I still hold that Europeans are more romantic than Americans, and wristwatches are more romantic than either.